[ Jesse says it quietly. Maybe he doesn't know know, exactly. But he can imagine. He knows what it's like to dwell on something constantly, replay it over and over in his head. To not know how to let go. ]
You don't gotta forget. You just gotta... [ He swallows, his throat tight. ] Figure out how...how to live with it.
But no matter what you felt, or...or how much of it you remember, that wasn't you. Cause whatever you did, it's nothin' you would've chosen to do. Right?
[ Daryl has that going for him, at least. Whatever regrets are haunting him now, whatever horrible, unforgiveable thing he'd done out there...at least he hadn't been in control. It wasn't his fault. ]
[ Live with it. The word gets a ghostly look out of Daryl because he knows now that he truly has no choice. He has to live with it. He'd tried to get out or die and he'd been denied even that. What he did is going to be burned into his head forever because he can't just die and forget. ]
Maybe it wasn't.
[ He'll give Jesse that. He knows himself, it's one of the few things he's always been good at. But for the first time, he doesn't feel as confident about it. Lines between real and unreal have been permanently blurred.
[ Jesse nods. Whether Daryl believes it or not, Jesse feels sure that what had happened out there had been an anomaly. That Daryl would never have done it or anything like it if he'd had any say in the matter.
But of course, it's a hell of a lot easier to forgive someone else than it is to forgive yourself, something Jesse knows from painful personal experience. And the memories will never go away. ]
I know.
[ What else can he say? He can't erase the memories that must be playing in Daryl's head on a loop any more than he can undo what had happened. All he can do is offer hollow reassurances from someone who hadn't even been there.
So he gives up on talking, and just reaches, hesitantly at first, for the hand Daryl doesn't have clenched too tightly around the water glass. It still feels a little bit weird offering that kind of physical comfort, especially to a guy. But not that weird anymore, not with Daryl. And the look on Daryl's face is haunting, cutting Jesse right to his core.
He gets a grip on his hand and holds on tight with both of his own, then leans into his side, pressed heavy against his shoulder. ]
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no subject
[ Jesse says it quietly. Maybe he doesn't know know, exactly. But he can imagine. He knows what it's like to dwell on something constantly, replay it over and over in his head. To not know how to let go. ]
You don't gotta forget. You just gotta... [ He swallows, his throat tight. ] Figure out how...how to live with it.
But no matter what you felt, or...or how much of it you remember, that wasn't you. Cause whatever you did, it's nothin' you would've chosen to do. Right?
[ Daryl has that going for him, at least. Whatever regrets are haunting him now, whatever horrible, unforgiveable thing he'd done out there...at least he hadn't been in control. It wasn't his fault. ]
no subject
Maybe it wasn't.
[ He'll give Jesse that. He knows himself, it's one of the few things he's always been good at. But for the first time, he doesn't feel as confident about it. Lines between real and unreal have been permanently blurred.
He's worried about dreams. ]
But the memories are still mine.
no subject
But of course, it's a hell of a lot easier to forgive someone else than it is to forgive yourself, something Jesse knows from painful personal experience. And the memories will never go away. ]
I know.
[ What else can he say? He can't erase the memories that must be playing in Daryl's head on a loop any more than he can undo what had happened. All he can do is offer hollow reassurances from someone who hadn't even been there.
So he gives up on talking, and just reaches, hesitantly at first, for the hand Daryl doesn't have clenched too tightly around the water glass. It still feels a little bit weird offering that kind of physical comfort, especially to a guy. But not that weird anymore, not with Daryl. And the look on Daryl's face is haunting, cutting Jesse right to his core.
He gets a grip on his hand and holds on tight with both of his own, then leans into his side, pressed heavy against his shoulder. ]
Drink your water, Daryl.