[ Even as he waits for Daniel's answer, Jesse doesn't know what he wants, or expects, to hear. An excuse? An apology, for not being strong enough to go through with it? Some righteous speech about being the bigger person?
But when Daniel finally says it, all Jesse really feels is relief. And he realizes he's glad. Glad Daniel hadn't done it, hadn't been able to, even if that guy had deserved it a million times over.
A million trillion times more than Gale ever had. ]
[ .. god, something really did happen with Jesse, didn't he. He killed someone. There's no way he'd be reacting like this otherwise - it's like every single word of the thoughts that arrive in Daniel's mind seems to scream as much.
And he doesn't want to leave it fully unaddressed. But he also knows that pushing too hard with Jesse never goes well, so..
Jesus, where even is the middle ground in that, especially with a topic like this? Especially when Daniel is so worried about how his own father figure would have judged him for his own near-attempt?
... ]
We don't know what's going to happen this month.
[ Even if both of them said they're not going after their target, there's still going to be people coming for them, maybe. It's a good excuse, like Daniel is talking about that, and not the skeletons he's pretty sure now are hiding in Jesse's closet. ]
But just so you know.. Even if something happened, it wouldn't change anything to me. Okay? I just want you to know that.
[ Anger flares through him, sharp and bright. The way he just says it. Like it's that easy. Like he can just...forgive. Just accept. It's not that easy. It's never been that easy. ]
I can't speak for anyone else. I can't speak for the world. But I can speak for myself, and I know that nothing you do could change my opinion of you. [ Because he believes in him. Because Daniel wants to believe that even if something like that would happen, Jesse would have a reason, or he'd feel horribly guilty, or any combination of factors that don't make him some sort of psychopath.
He just can't imagine Jesse that way. He never could.
(Isn't that what the unconditional love of a parent is like?) ]
If you want insurance, write those words down somewhere. Shove them in my face if it ever seems like it does change something with me. Haunt me with it forever.
But you won't need it. Because it's not going to happen.
[ A tear rolls down his cheek and splashes onto his arm, and Jesse wipes at his eyes furiously. Crying, when did he start fucking crying? ]
you dont know me
[ Not really. All he knows is that impossible, fantasy version of Jesse. The one who studies for tests and tries his best. Lives up to his potential.
It hurts, saying this. Like he's piercing himself right through the heart. But it's better this way. Better this than let himself believe Daniel could really care about him, believe in him, the way he says he does.
Better this than letting him down. Because he will, sooner or later. He always does. ]
[ He knows it's factually true. Witnessing those words entering his mind still feels like it hurts though. Even if they're not the same words, he's instantly reminded of that time he stood in front of a boy in the small convenience store, getting similarly rebuffed.
He didn't give up on Robby back then. He won't give up on Jesse now. ]
You can always be. Whenever you want to.
[ That's the only thing he can do, right? Insisting never works, and Daniel knows it.
You can only leave the door open, and hope the other knows it'll stay open like that. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
But when Daniel finally says it, all Jesse really feels is relief. And he realizes he's glad. Glad Daniel hadn't done it, hadn't been able to, even if that guy had deserved it a million times over.
A million trillion times more than Gale ever had. ]
thats good
thats better
for you
no subject
And he doesn't want to leave it fully unaddressed. But he also knows that pushing too hard with Jesse never goes well, so..
Jesus, where even is the middle ground in that, especially with a topic like this? Especially when Daniel is so worried about how his own father figure would have judged him for his own near-attempt?
... ]
We don't know what's going to happen this month.
[ Even if both of them said they're not going after their target, there's still going to be people coming for them, maybe. It's a good excuse, like Daniel is talking about that, and not the skeletons he's pretty sure now are hiding in Jesse's closet. ]
But just so you know.. Even if something happened, it wouldn't change anything to me. Okay? I just want you to know that.
no subject
dont
dont fucdkign say that
you dont knw
it woudlc hange everything
no subject
I can't speak for anyone else. I can't speak for the world. But I can speak for myself, and I know that nothing you do could change my opinion of you. [ Because he believes in him. Because Daniel wants to believe that even if something like that would happen, Jesse would have a reason, or he'd feel horribly guilty, or any combination of factors that don't make him some sort of psychopath.
He just can't imagine Jesse that way. He never could.
(Isn't that what the unconditional love of a parent is like?) ]
If you want insurance, write those words down somewhere. Shove them in my face if it ever seems like it does change something with me. Haunt me with it forever.
But you won't need it. Because it's not going to happen.
no subject
you dont know me
[ Not really. All he knows is that impossible, fantasy version of Jesse. The one who studies for tests and tries his best. Lives up to his potential.
It hurts, saying this. Like he's piercing himself right through the heart. But it's better this way. Better this than let himself believe Daniel could really care about him, believe in him, the way he says he does.
Better this than letting him down. Because he will, sooner or later. He always does. ]
im not your son
no subject
He didn't give up on Robby back then. He won't give up on Jesse now. ]
You can always be. Whenever you want to.
[ That's the only thing he can do, right? Insisting never works, and Daniel knows it.
You can only leave the door open, and hope the other knows it'll stay open like that. ]
It's always up to you.