[ Nothing is okay. He can feel that more than ever now that he's grounded in his body again. He doesn't want to drink, doesn't want to sit up, doesn't even want Jesse to move, but protesting isn't in him. He just lets go of Jesse's arm and when he inevitably pulls away from him, Daryl begins the long process of sitting up.
It seems pointless but he does it. He draws his knees up a little and presses his back into the headboard, cautiousness be damned. He hasn't forgotten how he'd found Jesse that time they were snowed in but he's far from caring enough to be wary.
What's the point of having an eye out for risks if you're just going to be brought back? If there's no escape from this? ]
[ There's a glass of water by his bed, room temperature and with his own germs on the rim, but Jesse figures they're way past worrying about cooties by this point. He doesn't want to leave Daryl alone if he can possibly help it. Not right now.
So he just grabs the glass and comes back, handing it to Daryl and just looking at him in response to the warning. ]
What?
Careful how?
[ He hadn't done anything to piss him off, had he? Daryl doesn't seem pissed at him, despite the words. ]
[ Daryl takes the glass from him but like a simpleton in an old movie, he just holds it in his lap. Holding something is good, though. It gives him something to do, something to keep from spilling when the rest of him just won't stop. ]
I changed... all the way.
[ He knows what it was that first time, now. Just a taste of what the rest of him is capable of. Jesse only knows the taste. ]
[ Jesse waits, hovering. He'll give Daryl a minute, he decides, but if he doesn't drink the water himself he'll have to remind him. Get him to do it, rehydrate himself a little bit. Then...
He doesn't know what, after that. But Daryl's admission sends it all out of his head. He stares, the water and everything else forgotten. ]
You mean you -
[ But there's nothing to ask. He knows already. Knows what had happened last time, knows that as horrific as it had been, Daryl's teeth and claws and animal instincts in the forest had only been a partial transformation at best. And now this. I killed her. He sits down heavily on the bed, feeling cold. ]
But you're not -
You're okay now. [ He shoots a quick glance at Daryl. Fully human and cognizant, no hint of the beast inside. ] You're - you're you.
[ And there's no reason to worry that that might change. Right? Except now there's a nagging worry gnawing at Jesse's thoughts. It hasn't been that long since Daryl had found him handcuffed to the bed and they'd stumbled back to this room together, even now. It had only been a few weeks after that when he'd taken off for the void. Not long enough for him to even have to start worrying about transforming, according to what they'd been told. Definitely not enough for him to transform fully, even if he'd been totally chaste since he'd left Jesse behind.
And Jesse hasn't changed. So why had Daryl? All the way, as he'd put it? ]
[ He feels dull, stupid, but he supposes he does feel like himself. Or at least some version of himself, whatever is left after something else had so definitively ripped through and took over his body. Worse, his mind. The thoughts had felt like his own, the urges, the instincts. He'd believed every vision he was shown and acted the only way that had seemed to make sense.
But he can't say any of that, so he just shakes his head. ]
I can't forget it.
I can't stop... thinkin' about how it felt.
[ The memories feel like his own. His grip on the glass tightens, his knuckles whitening a little. It's a good thing it's a strong glass because a little of his strength seems to be returning. ]
I don't even know what set it off.
[ His throat is already scratching and raw from all these words, more than he's spoken since screaming himself back to life in the dungeons. ]
[ Jesse says it quietly. Maybe he doesn't know know, exactly. But he can imagine. He knows what it's like to dwell on something constantly, replay it over and over in his head. To not know how to let go. ]
You don't gotta forget. You just gotta... [ He swallows, his throat tight. ] Figure out how...how to live with it.
But no matter what you felt, or...or how much of it you remember, that wasn't you. Cause whatever you did, it's nothin' you would've chosen to do. Right?
[ Daryl has that going for him, at least. Whatever regrets are haunting him now, whatever horrible, unforgiveable thing he'd done out there...at least he hadn't been in control. It wasn't his fault. ]
[ Live with it. The word gets a ghostly look out of Daryl because he knows now that he truly has no choice. He has to live with it. He'd tried to get out or die and he'd been denied even that. What he did is going to be burned into his head forever because he can't just die and forget. ]
Maybe it wasn't.
[ He'll give Jesse that. He knows himself, it's one of the few things he's always been good at. But for the first time, he doesn't feel as confident about it. Lines between real and unreal have been permanently blurred.
[ Jesse nods. Whether Daryl believes it or not, Jesse feels sure that what had happened out there had been an anomaly. That Daryl would never have done it or anything like it if he'd had any say in the matter.
But of course, it's a hell of a lot easier to forgive someone else than it is to forgive yourself, something Jesse knows from painful personal experience. And the memories will never go away. ]
I know.
[ What else can he say? He can't erase the memories that must be playing in Daryl's head on a loop any more than he can undo what had happened. All he can do is offer hollow reassurances from someone who hadn't even been there.
So he gives up on talking, and just reaches, hesitantly at first, for the hand Daryl doesn't have clenched too tightly around the water glass. It still feels a little bit weird offering that kind of physical comfort, especially to a guy. But not that weird anymore, not with Daryl. And the look on Daryl's face is haunting, cutting Jesse right to his core.
He gets a grip on his hand and holds on tight with both of his own, then leans into his side, pressed heavy against his shoulder. ]
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no subject
It seems pointless but he does it. He draws his knees up a little and presses his back into the headboard, cautiousness be damned. He hasn't forgotten how he'd found Jesse that time they were snowed in but he's far from caring enough to be wary.
What's the point of having an eye out for risks if you're just going to be brought back? If there's no escape from this? ]
Be careful. Around me.
no subject
So he just grabs the glass and comes back, handing it to Daryl and just looking at him in response to the warning. ]
What?
Careful how?
[ He hadn't done anything to piss him off, had he? Daryl doesn't seem pissed at him, despite the words. ]
no subject
I changed... all the way.
[ He knows what it was that first time, now. Just a taste of what the rest of him is capable of. Jesse only knows the taste. ]
no subject
He doesn't know what, after that. But Daryl's admission sends it all out of his head. He stares, the water and everything else forgotten. ]
You mean you -
[ But there's nothing to ask. He knows already. Knows what had happened last time, knows that as horrific as it had been, Daryl's teeth and claws and animal instincts in the forest had only been a partial transformation at best. And now this. I killed her. He sits down heavily on the bed, feeling cold. ]
But you're not -
You're okay now. [ He shoots a quick glance at Daryl. Fully human and cognizant, no hint of the beast inside. ] You're - you're you.
[ And there's no reason to worry that that might change. Right? Except now there's a nagging worry gnawing at Jesse's thoughts. It hasn't been that long since Daryl had found him handcuffed to the bed and they'd stumbled back to this room together, even now. It had only been a few weeks after that when he'd taken off for the void. Not long enough for him to even have to start worrying about transforming, according to what they'd been told. Definitely not enough for him to transform fully, even if he'd been totally chaste since he'd left Jesse behind.
And Jesse hasn't changed. So why had Daryl? All the way, as he'd put it? ]
no subject
But he can't say any of that, so he just shakes his head. ]
I can't forget it.
I can't stop... thinkin' about how it felt.
[ The memories feel like his own. His grip on the glass tightens, his knuckles whitening a little. It's a good thing it's a strong glass because a little of his strength seems to be returning. ]
I don't even know what set it off.
[ His throat is already scratching and raw from all these words, more than he's spoken since screaming himself back to life in the dungeons. ]
no subject
[ Jesse says it quietly. Maybe he doesn't know know, exactly. But he can imagine. He knows what it's like to dwell on something constantly, replay it over and over in his head. To not know how to let go. ]
You don't gotta forget. You just gotta... [ He swallows, his throat tight. ] Figure out how...how to live with it.
But no matter what you felt, or...or how much of it you remember, that wasn't you. Cause whatever you did, it's nothin' you would've chosen to do. Right?
[ Daryl has that going for him, at least. Whatever regrets are haunting him now, whatever horrible, unforgiveable thing he'd done out there...at least he hadn't been in control. It wasn't his fault. ]
no subject
Maybe it wasn't.
[ He'll give Jesse that. He knows himself, it's one of the few things he's always been good at. But for the first time, he doesn't feel as confident about it. Lines between real and unreal have been permanently blurred.
He's worried about dreams. ]
But the memories are still mine.
no subject
But of course, it's a hell of a lot easier to forgive someone else than it is to forgive yourself, something Jesse knows from painful personal experience. And the memories will never go away. ]
I know.
[ What else can he say? He can't erase the memories that must be playing in Daryl's head on a loop any more than he can undo what had happened. All he can do is offer hollow reassurances from someone who hadn't even been there.
So he gives up on talking, and just reaches, hesitantly at first, for the hand Daryl doesn't have clenched too tightly around the water glass. It still feels a little bit weird offering that kind of physical comfort, especially to a guy. But not that weird anymore, not with Daryl. And the look on Daryl's face is haunting, cutting Jesse right to his core.
He gets a grip on his hand and holds on tight with both of his own, then leans into his side, pressed heavy against his shoulder. ]
Drink your water, Daryl.