A part of Daniel is almost frustrated. Mostly because he literally told Jesse that he didn't have to talk about it if he didn't want to! That he could just tell him! And then the other goes ahead and does this, and--
In the middle of the frustration Daniel realises though that this is exactly what his teenage kids do too. Jesse may be older than them, but he sure is displaying a whole lot of similar behaviour here. It's only because Daniel recognizes it that he can keep the frustration from leaking out. He wouldn't want it to reach Jesse, anyway. ]
If you'd want to talk about any of it, I would hear you out.
[ That's what he wants to convey. Even if the walls are a little frustrating, and even if Daniel is not actually Jesse's father or anything-- This is still the sentiment he wants to give the other. Even in the face of the iciness. Just a simple offer. Only understanding.
After all, if people hadn't been understanding to Daniel when he was younger even when he was being a pain in the ass, then he doesn't even want to know where he would've ended up. ]
And if you don't want to talk about it, then we won't. It's really only that.
[ What the hell? He hadn't asked for this. Daniel had come to him, wanting to check in or whatever, and that's fine, Jesse doesn't mind that. (Maybe it's even nice, kinda. Daniel reaching out, making sure he's okay, caring about how Jesse's doing.) But this? Where the fuck had this come from? Apart from the way his brain just clicks off, backs away from thinking about it, shunting off the connection before he can remember (please don't do this, you don't have to do this - )
He doesn't want Daniel to know. Daniel can't know. Yeah, he knows Jesse isn't the brownnosing goody-two-shoes he had been in the void, but there's a big difference between knowing he'd never gotten an A on a chemistry test and knowing about Gale. About everything he'd done. Even thinking about telling Daniel, about the way he'd look at him different, has Jesse feeling sick and lightheaded. He can't. He can't ever. ]
[ Despite shooting back that thought quickly - perhaps to keep Jesse from fully spiralling, since it kind of feels like that's what the other is on the verge of right now - Daniel is thinking to himself. About this reply. About the way it's coming across. Everything about it screams to him that Jesse has definitely been involved in situations like this even before this place, or he wouldn't have a reason to push back this hard against it.
Daniel hates the thought. Especially with the way the other is delivering this message. If he was proud of it, surely he wouldn't react to this. Maybe Daniel is projecting considering his positive impression of the other, but-- does he feel guilty? It kind of feels like something Jesse isn't proud of.
And that breaks Daniel's heart, even though he knows better than to push the matter. He can't force Jesse to talk. It'll probably make him feel worse if he's already reacting like this now.
He thinks for a moment, not immediately following it up with another thought, but then one does arrive. ]
I just wanted to mention it since I almost killed someone once.
It wasn't my proudest moment. I think about it a lot.
But if you never got involved in anything like that, then I'm glad, Jesse. You shouldn't have to deal with any of that. No one should.
[ It's about the last thing Jesse's expecting Daniel to say. It's impossible to wrap his head around, almost. Daniel, almost killing someone? It must have been a mistake. An accident. He can't imagine Daniel ever hurting anyone on purpose.
But it's what Daniel says next that cuts Jesse to the bone. He sounds so sincere. Like he truly believes Jesse doesn't deserve any of that, like he'd protect him from it if he could. It makes his heart ache, the cavern between what Daniel believes - or at least hopes - and the truth. It makes him want to curl up in Daniel's arms and just cry, tell him everything. Daddy, fix it.
Stupid. Fucking stupid. He swipes angry tears from his cheeks, takes in a shaky breath. ]
[ There's a slight moment of nothing. It's hard to talk about. In fact, Daniel hasn't told anyone in this place. No one here knows, considering the only other people involved in that situation are all back home.
But no matter how hard it is - he can push himself to do it, right? If it's for Jesse. If hearing it might help him in some way, hopefully. ]
There is a man back home who hurts kids. I have seen him do it ever since I was young. He nearly killed one of my peers when I was a teenager. Tried to choke him out, right in front of everyone.
He disappeared for decades. I thought he was dead. But then he suddenly showed up again, and he started doing it all over again. He hurt my kids. The moment I realized that, I just.. got so mad. I wanted to make sure he couldn't ever do that to any kid again.
[ Daniel doesn't go into many details, but Jesse's stomach turns as he listens, all the same. Hurting kids. It's always the same fucking story. It's Brock and Tomas all over again. That kid neck deep in filth at Spooge's house, living off peanut butter and infomercials, not even knowing his life was shit. Innocents caught up in situations way beyond their control. ]
[ The words entering his mind are like an echo of a time long past. Isn't it the exact same thing he asked Mister Miyagi, all those years ago? Back when he was even younger than Jesse - when he was about as old as Jesse had been when he was his kid. ]
I could give a lot of reasons.
[ If he was strong, he'd probably give Mister Miyagi's own reasons from back then. For a person without forgiveness in their heart, living is a worse punishment than dying. But he knows that is not what stopped him in that moment, though it feels a little shameful to look back on now. ]
If I'm honest.. It was since my daughter showed up right as I was going to do it. And I just couldn't anymore. Not in front of her.
I instead make sure he got locked up far away from all the kids he was trying to hurt.
[ Even as he waits for Daniel's answer, Jesse doesn't know what he wants, or expects, to hear. An excuse? An apology, for not being strong enough to go through with it? Some righteous speech about being the bigger person?
But when Daniel finally says it, all Jesse really feels is relief. And he realizes he's glad. Glad Daniel hadn't done it, hadn't been able to, even if that guy had deserved it a million times over.
A million trillion times more than Gale ever had. ]
[ .. god, something really did happen with Jesse, didn't he. He killed someone. There's no way he'd be reacting like this otherwise - it's like every single word of the thoughts that arrive in Daniel's mind seems to scream as much.
And he doesn't want to leave it fully unaddressed. But he also knows that pushing too hard with Jesse never goes well, so..
Jesus, where even is the middle ground in that, especially with a topic like this? Especially when Daniel is so worried about how his own father figure would have judged him for his own near-attempt?
... ]
We don't know what's going to happen this month.
[ Even if both of them said they're not going after their target, there's still going to be people coming for them, maybe. It's a good excuse, like Daniel is talking about that, and not the skeletons he's pretty sure now are hiding in Jesse's closet. ]
But just so you know.. Even if something happened, it wouldn't change anything to me. Okay? I just want you to know that.
[ Anger flares through him, sharp and bright. The way he just says it. Like it's that easy. Like he can just...forgive. Just accept. It's not that easy. It's never been that easy. ]
I can't speak for anyone else. I can't speak for the world. But I can speak for myself, and I know that nothing you do could change my opinion of you. [ Because he believes in him. Because Daniel wants to believe that even if something like that would happen, Jesse would have a reason, or he'd feel horribly guilty, or any combination of factors that don't make him some sort of psychopath.
He just can't imagine Jesse that way. He never could.
(Isn't that what the unconditional love of a parent is like?) ]
If you want insurance, write those words down somewhere. Shove them in my face if it ever seems like it does change something with me. Haunt me with it forever.
But you won't need it. Because it's not going to happen.
[ A tear rolls down his cheek and splashes onto his arm, and Jesse wipes at his eyes furiously. Crying, when did he start fucking crying? ]
you dont know me
[ Not really. All he knows is that impossible, fantasy version of Jesse. The one who studies for tests and tries his best. Lives up to his potential.
It hurts, saying this. Like he's piercing himself right through the heart. But it's better this way. Better this than let himself believe Daniel could really care about him, believe in him, the way he says he does.
Better this than letting him down. Because he will, sooner or later. He always does. ]
[ He knows it's factually true. Witnessing those words entering his mind still feels like it hurts though. Even if they're not the same words, he's instantly reminded of that time he stood in front of a boy in the small convenience store, getting similarly rebuffed.
He didn't give up on Robby back then. He won't give up on Jesse now. ]
You can always be. Whenever you want to.
[ That's the only thing he can do, right? Insisting never works, and Daniel knows it.
You can only leave the door open, and hope the other knows it'll stay open like that. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
A part of Daniel is almost frustrated. Mostly because he literally told Jesse that he didn't have to talk about it if he didn't want to! That he could just tell him! And then the other goes ahead and does this, and--
In the middle of the frustration Daniel realises though that this is exactly what his teenage kids do too. Jesse may be older than them, but he sure is displaying a whole lot of similar behaviour here. It's only because Daniel recognizes it that he can keep the frustration from leaking out. He wouldn't want it to reach Jesse, anyway. ]
If you'd want to talk about any of it, I would hear you out.
[ That's what he wants to convey. Even if the walls are a little frustrating, and even if Daniel is not actually Jesse's father or anything-- This is still the sentiment he wants to give the other. Even in the face of the iciness. Just a simple offer. Only understanding.
After all, if people hadn't been understanding to Daniel when he was younger even when he was being a pain in the ass, then he doesn't even want to know where he would've ended up. ]
And if you don't want to talk about it, then we won't. It's really only that.
no subject
[ What the hell? He hadn't asked for this. Daniel had come to him, wanting to check in or whatever, and that's fine, Jesse doesn't mind that. (Maybe it's even nice, kinda. Daniel reaching out, making sure he's okay, caring about how Jesse's doing.) But this? Where the fuck had this come from? Apart from the way his brain just clicks off, backs away from thinking about it, shunting off the connection before he can remember (please don't do this, you don't have to do this - )
He doesn't want Daniel to know. Daniel can't know. Yeah, he knows Jesse isn't the brownnosing goody-two-shoes he had been in the void, but there's a big difference between knowing he'd never gotten an A on a chemistry test and knowing about Gale. About everything he'd done. Even thinking about telling Daniel, about the way he'd look at him different, has Jesse feeling sick and lightheaded. He can't. He can't ever. ]
theres nothing to talk about
theres fucking nothing
no subject
[ Despite shooting back that thought quickly - perhaps to keep Jesse from fully spiralling, since it kind of feels like that's what the other is on the verge of right now - Daniel is thinking to himself. About this reply. About the way it's coming across. Everything about it screams to him that Jesse has definitely been involved in situations like this even before this place, or he wouldn't have a reason to push back this hard against it.
Daniel hates the thought. Especially with the way the other is delivering this message. If he was proud of it, surely he wouldn't react to this. Maybe Daniel is projecting considering his positive impression of the other, but-- does he feel guilty? It kind of feels like something Jesse isn't proud of.
And that breaks Daniel's heart, even though he knows better than to push the matter. He can't force Jesse to talk. It'll probably make him feel worse if he's already reacting like this now.
He thinks for a moment, not immediately following it up with another thought, but then one does arrive. ]
I just wanted to mention it since I almost killed someone once.
It wasn't my proudest moment. I think about it a lot.
But if you never got involved in anything like that, then I'm glad, Jesse. You shouldn't have to deal with any of that. No one should.
no subject
But it's what Daniel says next that cuts Jesse to the bone. He sounds so sincere. Like he truly believes Jesse doesn't deserve any of that, like he'd protect him from it if he could. It makes his heart ache, the cavern between what Daniel believes - or at least hopes - and the truth. It makes him want to curl up in Daniel's arms and just cry, tell him everything. Daddy, fix it.
Stupid. Fucking stupid. He swipes angry tears from his cheeks, takes in a shaky breath. ]
what happened
with you
cw: talk of violence against minors
But no matter how hard it is - he can push himself to do it, right? If it's for Jesse. If hearing it might help him in some way, hopefully. ]
There is a man back home who hurts kids. I have seen him do it ever since I was young. He nearly killed one of my peers when I was a teenager. Tried to choke him out, right in front of everyone.
He disappeared for decades. I thought he was dead. But then he suddenly showed up again, and he started doing it all over again. He hurt my kids. The moment I realized that, I just.. got so mad. I wanted to make sure he couldn't ever do that to any kid again.
no subject
why didnt you do it
why didnt you stop him
no subject
I could give a lot of reasons.
[ If he was strong, he'd probably give Mister Miyagi's own reasons from back then. For a person without forgiveness in their heart, living is a worse punishment than dying. But he knows that is not what stopped him in that moment, though it feels a little shameful to look back on now. ]
If I'm honest.. It was since my daughter showed up right as I was going to do it. And I just couldn't anymore. Not in front of her.
I instead make sure he got locked up far away from all the kids he was trying to hurt.
no subject
But when Daniel finally says it, all Jesse really feels is relief. And he realizes he's glad. Glad Daniel hadn't done it, hadn't been able to, even if that guy had deserved it a million times over.
A million trillion times more than Gale ever had. ]
thats good
thats better
for you
no subject
And he doesn't want to leave it fully unaddressed. But he also knows that pushing too hard with Jesse never goes well, so..
Jesus, where even is the middle ground in that, especially with a topic like this? Especially when Daniel is so worried about how his own father figure would have judged him for his own near-attempt?
... ]
We don't know what's going to happen this month.
[ Even if both of them said they're not going after their target, there's still going to be people coming for them, maybe. It's a good excuse, like Daniel is talking about that, and not the skeletons he's pretty sure now are hiding in Jesse's closet. ]
But just so you know.. Even if something happened, it wouldn't change anything to me. Okay? I just want you to know that.
no subject
dont
dont fucdkign say that
you dont knw
it woudlc hange everything
no subject
I can't speak for anyone else. I can't speak for the world. But I can speak for myself, and I know that nothing you do could change my opinion of you. [ Because he believes in him. Because Daniel wants to believe that even if something like that would happen, Jesse would have a reason, or he'd feel horribly guilty, or any combination of factors that don't make him some sort of psychopath.
He just can't imagine Jesse that way. He never could.
(Isn't that what the unconditional love of a parent is like?) ]
If you want insurance, write those words down somewhere. Shove them in my face if it ever seems like it does change something with me. Haunt me with it forever.
But you won't need it. Because it's not going to happen.
no subject
you dont know me
[ Not really. All he knows is that impossible, fantasy version of Jesse. The one who studies for tests and tries his best. Lives up to his potential.
It hurts, saying this. Like he's piercing himself right through the heart. But it's better this way. Better this than let himself believe Daniel could really care about him, believe in him, the way he says he does.
Better this than letting him down. Because he will, sooner or later. He always does. ]
im not your son
no subject
He didn't give up on Robby back then. He won't give up on Jesse now. ]
You can always be. Whenever you want to.
[ That's the only thing he can do, right? Insisting never works, and Daniel knows it.
You can only leave the door open, and hope the other knows it'll stay open like that. ]
It's always up to you.