[ Oh. Yeah. Well. That shouldn't be much of a surprise, and it isn't, now that he thinks about it. Daryl hadn't gotten back to where he was going, he'd gone through something horrible instead. He'd fucking died, and even if Jesse's secretly, guiltily relieved that he's still here, that he's back, no. It doesn't make anything okay.
But Jesse's also not sure what he can say to help. Mabye nothing. He hesitates, looking back and down at Daryl, who's staring stubbornly ahead at the wall, his hair half-covering his face. He raises an uncertain hand to maybe put on his arm, maybe try to offer comfort, and that's when Daryl's whole body spasms. ]
Whoa - whoa, shit, man, take it easy -
[ His hand does fall down to rest on Daryl's waist, and he drops to his knees at the side of his bed, getting in Daryl's line of sight and peering anxiously at him, whether Daryl wants to look at him or not. ]
It's - it's okay, just breathe, okay? You wanna sit up? Would that help?
[ He doesn't want to look at him, he turns his face into the mattress to avoid it but even that glimpse of Jesse's eyes, of the distressed, focused expression on the guy, cuts into Daryl like a blade. He doesn't know. He's here and taking care of Daryl and he doesn't know what a fucking monster he's dealing with.
He doesn't know what he's done. No one does, but they need to. Daryl needs to warn him, he needs to warn people before he gets anyone else hurt. The fact that he's miles from the void now and the triggers that had forced him to transform couldn't matter less.
All that exists is what he's done. ]
I killed her.
[ The tears finally spring up properly and Daryl almost sobs the confession into the sheets. He doesn't even have the stomach to tell Jesse the rest. He knows he'd throw up if he did. ]
[ The words are like a punch in the gut. Worse. It's as if Daryl had picked him up and flung him directly into the past, directly back to that crackhouse where Mr. White had found him, fucked up and half dead. It's not just that the words are exactly the same as the ones that had been ripped from Jesse's throat back then. There are tears in Daryl's voice, a sob threatening to break free, and for a moment Jesse doesn't react at all. He can't. He couldn't if his life had depended on it.
Even once the initial shock passes, there are no words he can think of to say. He doesn't know what had happened out there, if what Daryl says is true, but it doesn't matter. Even if he'd known the whole story, maybe he still wouldn't have been able to find any words of comfort. Maybe there aren't any.
So instead of trying, he just acts. In a single move he's off the floor and back on the bed with Daryl, rolling him over so he can slide in beside him, wrapping his arms and legs around him like an octopus. He holds on tight, pressing into Daryl as hard as he can, denying him the opportunity to pull away. ]
[ The barrier of numbness, the survival instinct to repress has finally been broken and Daryl can't stop crying. His first few sobs are shuddering and loud but then the following tears are silent, enough to cramp his chest and keep him curled tight, enough to collapse his lungs and keep him from catching his breath, but he doesn't make any sound for a while. Not until he feels the bed dip and senses Jesse pulling at him. Then he lets out a whine, but just one.
He doesn't try to pull away from the embrace but he can't unclench his body. He just turns his face farther into the sheets and shakes, his unsteady breathing slowly, slowly evening out as the hours(?) wear on. After a while, he has no idea how long, he stops his whole-body flinches and just lies there, still and blinking away tears.
There's no time, only the memories of what he did and the blurry walls around him.
Around them, he's reminded when he can finally notice sensations again. There are arms around him, legs too, and after an eon, Daryl is able to reach up and close one weak hand around Jesse's forearm. ]
[ It's not hours, but it's a long, long time before Daryl's tears finally subside and his breathing steadies. Jesse stays where he is, curled tight around him. He squeezes his eyes shut against a few tears of his own, which leak out anyway, wet against Daryl's back. His chest is tight and painful with memories of those dark, empty days after Jane, but he tries not to let himself dwell on them too long. Daryl needs him here, now. If Jesse falls apart too, they're both fucked.
He drifts a little bit, awake and aware of Daryl sobbing in his arms but just letting it happen. Letting him take the time he needs. But as soon as Daryl's hand closes weakly around his arm, his full attention snaps back to him.
He doesn't say anything at first, just squeezes him a little tighter, letting him know he's there. He waits a few moments, just to make sure Jesse isn't going to say anything or collapse into sobs again, and then speaks quietly. ]
You're okay, man.
You gotta drink some water. I'm gonna get you some. Okay?
[ Nothing is okay. He can feel that more than ever now that he's grounded in his body again. He doesn't want to drink, doesn't want to sit up, doesn't even want Jesse to move, but protesting isn't in him. He just lets go of Jesse's arm and when he inevitably pulls away from him, Daryl begins the long process of sitting up.
It seems pointless but he does it. He draws his knees up a little and presses his back into the headboard, cautiousness be damned. He hasn't forgotten how he'd found Jesse that time they were snowed in but he's far from caring enough to be wary.
What's the point of having an eye out for risks if you're just going to be brought back? If there's no escape from this? ]
[ There's a glass of water by his bed, room temperature and with his own germs on the rim, but Jesse figures they're way past worrying about cooties by this point. He doesn't want to leave Daryl alone if he can possibly help it. Not right now.
So he just grabs the glass and comes back, handing it to Daryl and just looking at him in response to the warning. ]
What?
Careful how?
[ He hadn't done anything to piss him off, had he? Daryl doesn't seem pissed at him, despite the words. ]
[ Daryl takes the glass from him but like a simpleton in an old movie, he just holds it in his lap. Holding something is good, though. It gives him something to do, something to keep from spilling when the rest of him just won't stop. ]
I changed... all the way.
[ He knows what it was that first time, now. Just a taste of what the rest of him is capable of. Jesse only knows the taste. ]
[ Jesse waits, hovering. He'll give Daryl a minute, he decides, but if he doesn't drink the water himself he'll have to remind him. Get him to do it, rehydrate himself a little bit. Then...
He doesn't know what, after that. But Daryl's admission sends it all out of his head. He stares, the water and everything else forgotten. ]
You mean you -
[ But there's nothing to ask. He knows already. Knows what had happened last time, knows that as horrific as it had been, Daryl's teeth and claws and animal instincts in the forest had only been a partial transformation at best. And now this. I killed her. He sits down heavily on the bed, feeling cold. ]
But you're not -
You're okay now. [ He shoots a quick glance at Daryl. Fully human and cognizant, no hint of the beast inside. ] You're - you're you.
[ And there's no reason to worry that that might change. Right? Except now there's a nagging worry gnawing at Jesse's thoughts. It hasn't been that long since Daryl had found him handcuffed to the bed and they'd stumbled back to this room together, even now. It had only been a few weeks after that when he'd taken off for the void. Not long enough for him to even have to start worrying about transforming, according to what they'd been told. Definitely not enough for him to transform fully, even if he'd been totally chaste since he'd left Jesse behind.
And Jesse hasn't changed. So why had Daryl? All the way, as he'd put it? ]
[ He feels dull, stupid, but he supposes he does feel like himself. Or at least some version of himself, whatever is left after something else had so definitively ripped through and took over his body. Worse, his mind. The thoughts had felt like his own, the urges, the instincts. He'd believed every vision he was shown and acted the only way that had seemed to make sense.
But he can't say any of that, so he just shakes his head. ]
I can't forget it.
I can't stop... thinkin' about how it felt.
[ The memories feel like his own. His grip on the glass tightens, his knuckles whitening a little. It's a good thing it's a strong glass because a little of his strength seems to be returning. ]
I don't even know what set it off.
[ His throat is already scratching and raw from all these words, more than he's spoken since screaming himself back to life in the dungeons. ]
[ Jesse says it quietly. Maybe he doesn't know know, exactly. But he can imagine. He knows what it's like to dwell on something constantly, replay it over and over in his head. To not know how to let go. ]
You don't gotta forget. You just gotta... [ He swallows, his throat tight. ] Figure out how...how to live with it.
But no matter what you felt, or...or how much of it you remember, that wasn't you. Cause whatever you did, it's nothin' you would've chosen to do. Right?
[ Daryl has that going for him, at least. Whatever regrets are haunting him now, whatever horrible, unforgiveable thing he'd done out there...at least he hadn't been in control. It wasn't his fault. ]
[ Live with it. The word gets a ghostly look out of Daryl because he knows now that he truly has no choice. He has to live with it. He'd tried to get out or die and he'd been denied even that. What he did is going to be burned into his head forever because he can't just die and forget. ]
Maybe it wasn't.
[ He'll give Jesse that. He knows himself, it's one of the few things he's always been good at. But for the first time, he doesn't feel as confident about it. Lines between real and unreal have been permanently blurred.
[ Jesse nods. Whether Daryl believes it or not, Jesse feels sure that what had happened out there had been an anomaly. That Daryl would never have done it or anything like it if he'd had any say in the matter.
But of course, it's a hell of a lot easier to forgive someone else than it is to forgive yourself, something Jesse knows from painful personal experience. And the memories will never go away. ]
I know.
[ What else can he say? He can't erase the memories that must be playing in Daryl's head on a loop any more than he can undo what had happened. All he can do is offer hollow reassurances from someone who hadn't even been there.
So he gives up on talking, and just reaches, hesitantly at first, for the hand Daryl doesn't have clenched too tightly around the water glass. It still feels a little bit weird offering that kind of physical comfort, especially to a guy. But not that weird anymore, not with Daryl. And the look on Daryl's face is haunting, cutting Jesse right to his core.
He gets a grip on his hand and holds on tight with both of his own, then leans into his side, pressed heavy against his shoulder. ]
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no subject
But Jesse's also not sure what he can say to help. Mabye nothing. He hesitates, looking back and down at Daryl, who's staring stubbornly ahead at the wall, his hair half-covering his face. He raises an uncertain hand to maybe put on his arm, maybe try to offer comfort, and that's when Daryl's whole body spasms. ]
Whoa - whoa, shit, man, take it easy -
[ His hand does fall down to rest on Daryl's waist, and he drops to his knees at the side of his bed, getting in Daryl's line of sight and peering anxiously at him, whether Daryl wants to look at him or not. ]
It's - it's okay, just breathe, okay? You wanna sit up? Would that help?
surely this won't be triggering for jesse at all
He doesn't know what he's done. No one does, but they need to. Daryl needs to warn him, he needs to warn people before he gets anyone else hurt. The fact that he's miles from the void now and the triggers that had forced him to transform couldn't matter less.
All that exists is what he's done. ]
I killed her.
[ The tears finally spring up properly and Daryl almost sobs the confession into the sheets. He doesn't even have the stomach to tell Jesse the rest. He knows he'd throw up if he did. ]
cries 5ever
Even once the initial shock passes, there are no words he can think of to say. He doesn't know what had happened out there, if what Daryl says is true, but it doesn't matter. Even if he'd known the whole story, maybe he still wouldn't have been able to find any words of comfort. Maybe there aren't any.
So instead of trying, he just acts. In a single move he's off the floor and back on the bed with Daryl, rolling him over so he can slide in beside him, wrapping his arms and legs around him like an octopus. He holds on tight, pressing into Daryl as hard as he can, denying him the opportunity to pull away. ]
no subject
He doesn't try to pull away from the embrace but he can't unclench his body. He just turns his face farther into the sheets and shakes, his unsteady breathing slowly, slowly evening out as the hours(?) wear on. After a while, he has no idea how long, he stops his whole-body flinches and just lies there, still and blinking away tears.
There's no time, only the memories of what he did and the blurry walls around him.
Around them, he's reminded when he can finally notice sensations again. There are arms around him, legs too, and after an eon, Daryl is able to reach up and close one weak hand around Jesse's forearm. ]
no subject
He drifts a little bit, awake and aware of Daryl sobbing in his arms but just letting it happen. Letting him take the time he needs. But as soon as Daryl's hand closes weakly around his arm, his full attention snaps back to him.
He doesn't say anything at first, just squeezes him a little tighter, letting him know he's there. He waits a few moments, just to make sure Jesse isn't going to say anything or collapse into sobs again, and then speaks quietly. ]
You're okay, man.
You gotta drink some water. I'm gonna get you some. Okay?
no subject
It seems pointless but he does it. He draws his knees up a little and presses his back into the headboard, cautiousness be damned. He hasn't forgotten how he'd found Jesse that time they were snowed in but he's far from caring enough to be wary.
What's the point of having an eye out for risks if you're just going to be brought back? If there's no escape from this? ]
Be careful. Around me.
no subject
So he just grabs the glass and comes back, handing it to Daryl and just looking at him in response to the warning. ]
What?
Careful how?
[ He hadn't done anything to piss him off, had he? Daryl doesn't seem pissed at him, despite the words. ]
no subject
I changed... all the way.
[ He knows what it was that first time, now. Just a taste of what the rest of him is capable of. Jesse only knows the taste. ]
no subject
He doesn't know what, after that. But Daryl's admission sends it all out of his head. He stares, the water and everything else forgotten. ]
You mean you -
[ But there's nothing to ask. He knows already. Knows what had happened last time, knows that as horrific as it had been, Daryl's teeth and claws and animal instincts in the forest had only been a partial transformation at best. And now this. I killed her. He sits down heavily on the bed, feeling cold. ]
But you're not -
You're okay now. [ He shoots a quick glance at Daryl. Fully human and cognizant, no hint of the beast inside. ] You're - you're you.
[ And there's no reason to worry that that might change. Right? Except now there's a nagging worry gnawing at Jesse's thoughts. It hasn't been that long since Daryl had found him handcuffed to the bed and they'd stumbled back to this room together, even now. It had only been a few weeks after that when he'd taken off for the void. Not long enough for him to even have to start worrying about transforming, according to what they'd been told. Definitely not enough for him to transform fully, even if he'd been totally chaste since he'd left Jesse behind.
And Jesse hasn't changed. So why had Daryl? All the way, as he'd put it? ]
no subject
But he can't say any of that, so he just shakes his head. ]
I can't forget it.
I can't stop... thinkin' about how it felt.
[ The memories feel like his own. His grip on the glass tightens, his knuckles whitening a little. It's a good thing it's a strong glass because a little of his strength seems to be returning. ]
I don't even know what set it off.
[ His throat is already scratching and raw from all these words, more than he's spoken since screaming himself back to life in the dungeons. ]
no subject
[ Jesse says it quietly. Maybe he doesn't know know, exactly. But he can imagine. He knows what it's like to dwell on something constantly, replay it over and over in his head. To not know how to let go. ]
You don't gotta forget. You just gotta... [ He swallows, his throat tight. ] Figure out how...how to live with it.
But no matter what you felt, or...or how much of it you remember, that wasn't you. Cause whatever you did, it's nothin' you would've chosen to do. Right?
[ Daryl has that going for him, at least. Whatever regrets are haunting him now, whatever horrible, unforgiveable thing he'd done out there...at least he hadn't been in control. It wasn't his fault. ]
no subject
Maybe it wasn't.
[ He'll give Jesse that. He knows himself, it's one of the few things he's always been good at. But for the first time, he doesn't feel as confident about it. Lines between real and unreal have been permanently blurred.
He's worried about dreams. ]
But the memories are still mine.
no subject
But of course, it's a hell of a lot easier to forgive someone else than it is to forgive yourself, something Jesse knows from painful personal experience. And the memories will never go away. ]
I know.
[ What else can he say? He can't erase the memories that must be playing in Daryl's head on a loop any more than he can undo what had happened. All he can do is offer hollow reassurances from someone who hadn't even been there.
So he gives up on talking, and just reaches, hesitantly at first, for the hand Daryl doesn't have clenched too tightly around the water glass. It still feels a little bit weird offering that kind of physical comfort, especially to a guy. But not that weird anymore, not with Daryl. And the look on Daryl's face is haunting, cutting Jesse right to his core.
He gets a grip on his hand and holds on tight with both of his own, then leans into his side, pressed heavy against his shoulder. ]
Drink your water, Daryl.